[Alsfastball] PRAWN: A Modest Proposal - Bill Simmons

[Al Doran]

From: "William Simmons" <lowercase5 at hotmail.com>
To: fastball at pmihrm.com
Subject: PRAWN: A Modest Proposal - Bill Simmons
Date: Fri, 30 Sep 2005 12:52:27 -0400



After having to endure the recent polemics of the proposed PRAWN rule, and 
now with Pat Graham attempting to bring power to the people via petition, I 
can no longer remain reticent.  I am appalled at the near-sightedness of 
ISC commissioners and fellow ISC players like Todd Martin in their attempts 
to advance, strengthen and promote the great game of fastball.  Roger May 
cites the games decline in the American's inability to brood talent; some 
other guy wants the tenth PRAWN to be worth two million dollars.  I was 
recently told by Kitchener management that as the sixth PRAWN I'm worth a 
pine tar rag or one used K-Master.  I could choose.  Unfortunately, you ISC 
people have left it up to me to save the game.  This is my modest proposal:

1.  Dancing girls.  Too much emphasis has been placed on out of area 
players, big-money teams, and player development.  None of these 
investments will create fan base and revenue.  However, if we have dancing 
girls in tight satin outfits shouting hackneyed rhymes and shaking pom poms 
to bad rap music then we can get fastball fans tripping through the 
turnstiles.  I also propose that after each inning played, we send a woman 
scantily clad in a push-up bra and g-string walking around with a sign with 
the inning number on it.  Perhaps more conservative commissioners might be 
concerned with feminist backlash.  Some might suggest that dancing girls 
have nothing to do with the game.  I say who cares!

2.  Commercials.  We have Jeremy Spears's media expertise at our disposal.
Let's make a commercial that makes our game appealing, dramatic and 
athletic.  We could use players like Todd Schultz, Korrey Gareau and Rob 
Gray - ball players that look like ball players - to promote the 
handsomeness of our antiquated game.  If we are willing to invest some 
twoonies and loonies, we could actually pay strong, athletic looking models 
wearing skin-tight Underarmour to pose as ISC players.  The public doesn't 
want to see fat guys hitting bombs or ugly midgets that smell like cooked 
cabbage running out of the box trying to dribble it past the pitcher.  They 
want biceps and six packs.  And forget these Legends of the ISC write-ups 
which attempt to sell integrity, longevity, and sportsmanship.  These 
values are lost on the new generation.  They want smut.  I think we have 
the wherewithal to give it to them.

3.  A calendar.  Instead of circulating the annual book of stats which only 
Todd Martin peruses to memorize his own stats, the ISC could generate 
capital by publishing a calendar of nude ball players.  Imagine:  Kris 
Kiefel with nothing but his chops;  Dean Holein with nothing but his badge; 
Rino D'Ambrosia with nothing but his gerry-curls; Dale Levy with nothing 
but that stupid tattoo of a gun on his right arm; Rob O'Brien with nothing 
but his Oakleys (it might be the only time we don't see him jumping all 
over the rubber).  If the firemen can do it, we can do it.

4.  A mike.  Like in the NFL, we should mike-up some of our feature 
players.  Imagine hearing exactly what Todd Martin says to umpires instead 
of a muffled version from the bleachers.  What does Chris Shewfelt have to 
say to the three-legged hamster in Paul Koert's head to get the wheel 
moving again?  What are the Newfies really saying?  Or maybe fans would 
like to hear how Jody Eidt inexorably makes his teammates feel like a 
beaten dog.

5.  Internet.  We have Al Doran reporting games, rumours, and issues on a 
perpetual basis.  The only problem is that only fastball players, fans and 
administration are getting these emails.  We need to change our site to 
"alsXXXfastball" or "XXXiscfastpitch" so that millions of perverted 
Americans and Canadians fall unsuspectingly into our websites.  Is Als 
Fastball the only non-XXX site in your Favorites?

6.  Controversy.  Every professional sport has some fashion of controversy 
that gets them on ESPN and TSN every night.  Bad publicity paradoxically 
benefits any sport.  The NFL has T.O. doing sit-ups on his driveway;  Major 
League Baseball has Raphy Palmeiro doing steroids and Viagara (that can't 
healthy); the NHL has Todd Bertuzzi breaking necks.  We have one beer-tent 
brawl in Monkton and we think were going to go mainstream?  Look at soccer.
It's the most boring sport in the world, but the most 
popular.  Why?  Riots.  Violence.  And Spice Girl wives.  What I'm 
suggesting here is maybe we could strengthen the game by shooting some umpires.

I think as a collective body we need to improve our dilapidated game with a 
vision that includes the decadence of our society.  There isn't a good soul 
out there that can tell me that my suggestions won't improve the the future 
of our game.  Are we going to continue to devote our time to petitions and 
Martin mud-slinging or are we going to start some dance auditions?


For the future of fastball,

biLL siMMons

From: "William Simmons" <lowercase5 at hotmail.com>

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